Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
