Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
