if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Jerry, you need to find god
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
