When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize