btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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