Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Randomize
