You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
There's always time for handjobs
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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