I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
