u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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