I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
