Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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