all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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