Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
