Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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