guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
