I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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