the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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