Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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