The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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