don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
