i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
My cat gives me a boner
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
