I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Can you bring me the toilet please
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
