Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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