the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize