Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
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