I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize