I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
