I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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