Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Randomize
