Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
