There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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