So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize