I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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