i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
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