Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize