Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
