Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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