im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Randomize
