I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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