he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize