also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
