i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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