i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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