The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
