Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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