so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
