Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
