Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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