the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
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