Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
