Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
