Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
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