May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
