In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
