mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
