you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
