Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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