All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
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