I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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