Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
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