I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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