The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
