We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
