I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
